Debacle

Empty

2009-05-26T00:21:00.002+08:00

29. And sometimes I feel like a fucking failure.
I haven't achieved all that I've set out to do.
I lost many people along the way.
I can count my friends with only one hand. And I'm not proud of it.
I don't see my dreams up in lights.
I can't hear the applause I used to hear.
I fear I'm reaching my end.
I work for nothing more than what I've been programmed to earn.
I learn from empty books.
Standing up for what I believed in seems like a joke.
Holding my head up high is too much for one to take.
Remembering is all I seem to do these days.
I miss the people I used to know. Good or bad, I crave their company.
Everywhere I turn I hit a fucking wall.
29.
Each day I live on, I feel like a fucking failure.

It's a long time to die

2009-01-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

Excuses make it hard to listen.
Controlled speech teaches nothing.
The regulated world blinds our vision.
Necessity prostitutes us.

And I weep for the dreams that have yet to be accomplished
I touch scars left by injustice of yesterday
I scream for the freedom of which we sell ourselves short
I grind my teeth to stop pollution seeping into me
So much has been done
So much time has moved on without us
And yet
Nothing has changed
Traditions have been lost, but isn’t it tradition to lose what we hold so dear to us

A child to a child is a friend
An adult to an adult we are different
We chose colour to separate us
We allow religion to push people apart
And yet when we suffer and bleed
We all look the same
So why have we come to this
What have we done that desperately needs to be amended?
How can we call ourselves people?
If we lift our hands to strike another made in the likeness of us.

A day of persecution.
A month of murder.
A year of revenge.
It’s a long time to die.

RAINBOW'S ENDING

2008-12-25T13:58:00.002+08:00

THE GIANTS ARE COMING!

Don't be the last to know when they come out to get you...

====================================================

Watch Part 3 of THE GIANTS ARE COMING
on youtube before it's too late.

THE GIANTS ARE COMING (Part 3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRswNsGTLLk

====================================================

Haven't caught the rest of the trailers??

THE GIANTS ARE COMING (PART 1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIWOtU-iU1o

THE GIANTS ARE COMING (PART 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihXx1YeRC8c&feature=related

====================================================

Performance Details

RAINBOW'S ENDING - Presented by We Colour People Theatre & Company
Dates: 15th - 18th January 2009
Show times: 8pm show (15th - 18th), 3pm show (17th & 18th only)
Venue: The Arts House, Playden
Tickets: $27 (Adults), $25 (Students), $20 (School group bookings)
Tickets available at The Arts House Box Office
Visit www.wecolourpeople.com for more details

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE....

I can't be a someone

2008-12-13T02:39:00.002+08:00

It's been a very long time. So long that I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore or even know it still exist. Maybe it's better that way. Like being alone and screaming your lungs out where no one can hear you. And no one can hear what you've got to say. So no one can get hurt.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a no one. Sometimes I feel like I'm being treated like that 'no one'. Nobody thinks I can be a someone. Nobody thinks I can even try.

.

2000? what? Who gives a shit anymore....

2008-02-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

So.

I've dog gone did it again. I made myself regret. And all that's left is a huge pile of shit stinking excuses. I'm disgusted with what I see.

Every Little Thing - Dishwalla

2007-03-05T00:36:00.000+08:00

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

Constantly

2007-02-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

I hate having to think about the future.
I hate having to worry about money or have I saved enough this month to pay all the bills
I hate that I'm not famous yet
I hate the roles I'm given and the fact that good ones are passed to idiots will smaller waist lines.
I hate having to be somebody's maid and wash their socks for each show
I hate having to smile and say everything is alright
I hate my ex-boyfriend for not calling me once to find out how I am
I hate him for not even trying
I hate not having my dad around to lean on
I hate kissing you and never knowing if you'll ever be mine
I hate how the voices in my head taunt me constantly
And I'm tired
Just so tired and scared
I'm so afraid of the future and I don't even want to be around to see it.
One day.
One fine day I'll find the courage to walk off that ledge.

I'm not good with rejection, so please look straight at my gun

2007-02-22T01:17:00.000+08:00

So to all the fellas who've walked in and out of my life. For using me and tossing me aside. For making me feel like shit. For making me doubt myself. For making me beg to exist. For taking my fucking life savings and leaving me back at square one. For making me hate myself. For making fall in love with you and then not loving me back. For wasting my precious time. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You loose. I'm not with any of you anymore and I won't let you hurt me anymore. Thanks for being total jerks. I hope you all rot in hell.

Whisper_Loudly

2007-01-30T02:08:00.000+08:00

Something I remembered from The Interpreter...

THE GUNFIRE AROUND us makes it hard to hear. But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it's not shouting. Even when it's just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard - -over armies... when it's telling the truth.

The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band

2007-01-12T00:43:00.000+08:00

You cannot quit me so quickly
There's no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

27th Birthday Tattoo?

2007-01-11T01:26:00.000+08:00

What Hurts the Most

2007-01-11T00:27:00.000+08:00

Something from Rascal Flat:

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret

And Still I Walk On

2007-01-10T13:59:00.000+08:00

So my dear pathetic readers
There's nothing more to say, for I've given up fighting and now I'm lost.
I don't know where I'm going, though I can see how far I've gone.
My back's to the future, my hands clinging to the past
Walking blindfolded, fingers frantically clutching all that brush past
All my senses numbed and retire
I rest my head on damnation
I speak with a voice unrecognisable even to myself
I sing a song I thought i knew but the lyrics get in the way
My body's no longer mine and I can't face the skin I'm in
I despise my desire, I reject resolution
I banish all mirrors, afraid to see the reflection staring back at me
I break the glass, hoping it will break me too
But yet here I stand
Everything still ardent on living
But how do you function when all inside is dead
Zombied I tread on, voices edging me on
Spurning me with their distaste
Into hard walls I smash my face
Bloodied from the lengthy journey but still I walk on
Hoping to find the next exit to my revolution

Be My Messiah

2007-01-10T13:12:00.000+08:00

Lying close beside you yet it’s not enough
Feeling the warmth of your body
Smelling your skin
I’m drawn to you like sin
Taking me in

And though I’m still and apart
Confused with this mindless beating of my heart
It yearns for the slightest touch of you
Yet wait is all I can do

Thus when you draw me in your arms
I breathe in all your worldly charms
And so I fall helplessly into the fire
Take me there, be my messiah

Sweet, are the lips you press to mine
Never had I imagine you be this devine
My fingers entwined in your hair
Willingly trapped throwing all rational in the air

Sing your low tune, I crave your moans
Take me please, make me your home
Whisper all your thoughts to me
They whistle down my neck,
They set me free

Play your fingers on my breast
Surround the curves and let them rest
Enveloped in your desire
Hold me close, set me on fire

Reel me in, take everything
It feels so pure, how can this be sin?
Beads of pearls form on our skin
My dear messiah, make me your queen

White Linen Sheets

2007-01-10T13:09:00.000+08:00

White linen sheets lined up one by one
Hoping to bask in the glory of the sun
A moments neglect and then they’ll be
Soaking in the rain of misery

Stain with confusion, cold with shame
They dry and cake with nothing but hurt
No use is the next hour of repent
Left are the spots of resent

Tired and worn they cover your bed
Seeking refuge they cradle your head
Holding you close tasting your skin
A moments tenderness is not only what they need

Laying down they open their hearts
Drawn to the smell of you
Oh please take them in
Yet all you do is walk away, leaving the bed in disarray
How they cling and sing you praise
Oh all you do is walk away

Prepare the solutions!
Bring out the scrubs
Wash these wounds, rub in the salt
Tear at their skins
Come wash away!
Remove these bruises
Come wash away!

What is left is nothing but holes
White lined sheets you don’t have to fold
Throw them away!
They have no feelings
Throw them away!
They’re better of dead
Since all you do is walk away

Freedom is on Holiday

2007-01-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

A fist full of coins with no where to go
I stand at the bus stop with fake resolutions
Unsure of the distance and where it leads
I breathe in full farce and I head out

Shading my eyes from the heat of heaven
I climb the steps of sin and beyond
Removing myself from its hard stare
Into this world
My new home

Darkness prevails and coldness preferred
I live alone where all is absurd
I created this place and therefore I roam
For needed I am, in no place at all

Like the creepers on a garden wall
I wait in corners until he calls
And like the morning glory all purple and pure
Craving a light touch from his glory rays
I wither when picked, then crumble and fall
On stain sheets where nobody cares

And when I wake I am alone again
No sounds I hear, for all is dead
Thank goodness my heart you’ve forgotten to beat
For a minute there I feared that you might bleed
From all the disappointments I fed you
All the shame
Thank goodness my heart, you’re accustom to my deeds

Yet attentive are my ears tonight
Any slightest sound warms my delight
A little spark to tingle my hope
In this frightful kingdom, my only rope

I try to climb out of this hole
My limps, they move alas my heart holds me back
I slide
I fall
A life of regret

And still I try to stand again
But then I hear his call
Oh how easily I sway
For freedom is on holiday

In the mood for SIN

2007-01-03T01:32:00.000+08:00

Since I'm still in the mood for sin. Thought I share more thoughts for this blasted new year.
Some of my dear pathetic readers have commented before that they felt my blog was depressive and such and such.
And a few days ago, I was thinking to myself.
Nobody knows who I really am.
And then it hits me. This blog is who I am
Depressive, Dark, Demonic.
That's me
Born in the wee hours of a cold Saturday morning at 12:01 am on the 12th of January. Though I was 11 hours late to the doctors, I arrived right on time.
Welcome me world
I'm Your's truely
Darkness
12
The devil's new number

I, Lucifer

2007-01-03T01:24:00.000+08:00

Lest the explanations be lengthy..

There are so many things I want to do, and yet I don't know which one to do first or which one to stick to. Maybe thats the drawback of being creative.
My deduction for the start of 2007 is, now we know why Satan fell.
He started to think.

Prelude to Darkness

2006-12-18T00:37:00.000+08:00

So here's a short clip I found on YouTube about the Kalinga Trilogy I was in recently. Its all the photos taken from the show.

O$P$

2006-11-20T00:22:00.000+08:00

AGNI KOOTTHU (THEATRE OF FIRE)
presents
O$P$
written & directed by ELANGOVAN
performed by MAX LING
lighting design PAW SORENSEN
sound design & tech.manager ANDRE DANKER
stage manager JOANNE NG
Sat 2 & Sun 3 Dec 06, 8 pm, Guinness Theatre $20 (The Substation Box-office)
RA18

Please come support us!!

SEPARATION - The Kalinga Trilogy

2006-10-19T00:01:00.000+08:00

Mirror Theatre presents a cinematic theatrical snapshot of the history of Tamils in Singapore entitles The Kalinga Trilogy. Described by The Straits Times as an "All Round Winner" for its first installment in 2005, the play received nominations for Life Theatre Awards 2006 for Best Script and Best Ensemble. The Tamil Murasu praised it as " a play that made one laugh and think at the same time". This second installment "Separation" promises much more.

9th & 10th Nov - 8pm daily
11th Nov - 3pm and 8pm
The Esplanade Theatre Studio
$25 for adults, students $20 tickets available at SISTIC

Should you like to support us or me, since I'm in it, you can contact me directly to get the tickets for you as I'm an Esplanade staff and will get a 20% discount. Email me at rue_navarin@yahoo.com.sg. Those who know me personally can call me directly on my cell.

Death Note

2006-10-12T02:12:00.000+08:00

A Writer's Story

2006-10-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

Edward Bond of the "Tin Can People"

I was born at 8.30pm on a Wednesday the 18th of July 1934
In a thunderstorm
An hour before her labor began my mother scrubbed the stairs to her flat to clean them for the midwife to tread on
In the district in which my mother lived medical people were regarded as agents of authority
I was first bombed when I was five
The bombing went on till I was eleven
Later the army taught me ten ways to kill my enemy
And the community taught me a hundred ways to kill my neighbor
I saw there was no justice between one part of the community and another
An injustice is like a pebble dropped in the centre of the ocean
When the ripples reach the shore they have turned into tidal waves that drown cities
Necessity rules our days by the laws of cause-and-effect
Those who govern do not know what a person is
And the governed do not know what a government should be
Instead the evil do evil and because there is no justice the good must also do evil
How else can they govern the prison they live in?
I walked the streets and raged
I wanted the stones in the military cemetery to weep for the dead beneath them
I wanted the skull to dream of justice
And then I remembered the iron kite that flies in the child’s mind
And saw the old touch their white hairs as gently as a sparrow nesting on the side of an iceberg
So at twenty I wrote a play
The law of plays must be cause-and-use
To break necessity and show how there may be justice
Like all who lived at the midpoint of this century or were born later
I am a citizen of Auschwitz and a citizen of Hiroshima
Of the place where the evil did evil and the place where the good did evil
Till there is justice there are no other places on earth: there are only these two places
Bu I am also a citizen of the just world still to be made

Suicidally Yours

2006-10-03T13:46:00.000+08:00

Before I get some mighty inspiration to actually fly out my window
Thought i leave a little note, in case I forget

To you my dear who,

Insisted we start a relationship even though I told you I wasn't ready
Won my heart over with your chivary and sweetness
Then revealed to me the next month what a peniless broke you were
Left me with a mountain of bills and worries while you went travelling
Tells me there's no sin in negect because my only competition is your work
and not other women
Tears my confidence to pieces whenever you blantantly look at other women when I'm around
Make me clean your junk and allow me to stumble on your old love letters
Ask what I'm thinking but never accept my opinion on things
Blames everything I say on PMS

And to you my mother who

Gives me life but put shackles on my ankles the minute I was born
Tells me stories of children who meet a bitter end when they abandon their parents
Use your health as a guilt trip for me to stay home
Never look at me when I come home, but insist I'm always in a good mood when you do
Give me money but remind me how much I owe you in kind
Rumage through my drawers even when I'm 26
Made me into you

To the both of you
You are the two reasons I will leave this world before my time
Remember that you will both be on my mind when I step off that ledge
And I hope that I will forever be in yours when you see whats left on me lying on the ground

Suicially Yours

One Bullet in the Barrel of a Gun

2006-10-03T12:24:00.000+08:00

Something I wrote quite a while back. It sums up what I'm feeling right now. So have a read. I call it "One Bullet in the Barrel of a Gun"

So quiet.
So still.

Yet it says alot.

Life preserved in just one shot.
Like that very monent before you take your life.
The ringing in your ear.
The silence.
That single reason.
Peace.

Just before you change your mind.

I believe that,
when one dies,
when he least expects.
Life flashes past.
Only when he least expects it.

I believe,
the mind, the brain, our brain.
Works against us.
That moment. When we least expect it.
The regret. That second.
It triggers regret. Triggers a life much better. A life worth living.
A life left behind.
A life we can no longer live.
That moment last a lifetime.
An after death of regret.

But when you act.
On your own accord.
That peace.
The knowing that you have control.
Knowing you can end it.
That peace.
The quiet.
The silence.
Death.
As you wish it to be.
An afterlife that doesn't exist.

Voices in My Head

2006-10-03T12:01:00.000+08:00

Each day I wish I had the strength to walk off my window ledge

To plunge my way into the depths of total mental freedom

To quell the voices in my head and cradle them in death

Yet still I linger on each day

struggling to make sense

And on they play, these voices swirling in my head

Telling me

Each day they wish they had strength to walk off the window ledge

Proud to be a Woman

2006-09-29T02:16:00.000+08:00

Men.
I wish they come with bloody instructions. I mean why not?
Since all their bloody toys do.

I wish I were younger

2006-09-28T00:00:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it. For years I've been listening to my mum tell me how she wished she could turn back time and I know the things she wish she could do, like the back of my hand. And I tell myself I'll never be like her. Never regret like her. And today. It was too late. I couldn't stop it. It came out even before I had the chance to take it back. I said the very words I hate to hear. I said,

I wish I were younger.

And then suddenly I felt so old. Me, a 26 year old sitting next to a 40 year old who never said anything about wanting to be younger. I remember reading a quote once..can't remember who said it. It kinda goes something like " a man grows old the day his dreams become regrets." Well.. I don't know about that yet. I sure as hell am starting to feel it.

Anyway, my mum got admitted to GH today. Something about blood clots in her lungs. They're running some test on her so they need her in there for observation. I know somewhere deep down inside me just wants her to be ok. Then on the other hand, if she decides to join my dad, then thats my ticket to freedom.

I've decided that if that happens. I'm going to take a long road trip somewhere. Anywhere. Alone.

Bring Back Coporal Punishment

2006-09-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

So my dear pathetic readers, I've been working with kids both big and small for the past few months since I decided to take a break from school. I've taught smart ass ones, lean on the wall don't want to participate ones, off in a corner in their own little pathetic world ones, can't stop talking because thats what they do at home ones, I want to beat everyone up ones, don't wanna listen and I want to make the decision ones, you name it, I've seen it.Whoever created the "THINKING CORNER" either has serious issues or doesn't have kids of their own. And I say BRING BACK COPORAL PUNISHMENT! It's time for some serious whooping. Don't get me wrong, I love kids, but I'll drown them in a flash too.

IMPROV ME

2006-08-28T02:31:00.000+08:00

You're so gonna love this my dear pathetic readers..

Go ahead make my day

2006-08-27T01:23:00.000+08:00

So you think you've won?
But I'm the one laughing

PUCKER UP SWEETIE!

2006-08-26T01:59:00.000+08:00

Reminds me of someone...

my...what a pout..

Hard Gay the Insult Dog??

2006-08-22T13:47:00.000+08:00

Something Rei had me check out..Bloody funny..

He kinda reminds me of thing little guy I came across a few years ago.

Courtesy of YouTube

Five Adams

2006-08-21T00:10:00.000+08:00

Thought I post something "cheerful" for a change. So here goes...it's funny movie quote of the day.
From the movie DOGMA

Metatron: "Were you to hear God's true voice, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode inside your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."

LIZARDS

2006-08-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

They lie upside down on my ceiling.
They play dead when you walk by.
Black beedy eyes watching your every move.
Waiting for the perfect opportunity to slitter away, unseen.
They come out at night. Feasting on the scraps on my floor.
Darting out from the corners they hide in.
But when they know they're out of reach,
They lie upside down on my ceiling and cry.

Lizards. I hate them.
Don't you?

POETRY TIME!

2006-08-19T00:46:00.000+08:00

The Curse
by J. M. Synge
(To a sister of an enemy of the author's who disapproved of 'The Playboy')

Lord, confound this surly sister,

Blight her brow with blotch and blister,

Cramp her larynx, lung, and liver,

In her guts a galling give her.

Let her live to earn her dinners

In Mountjoy with seedy sinners:

Lord, this judgment quickly bring,

And I'm your servant, J. M. Synge.

(So my dear pathetic readers...marvelous isn't it? I say, is that the sound of clapping I hear? Marvelous isn't it?)

Like the voices in my head

2006-08-18T00:49:00.000+08:00

These days I feel sedated.

Those on msn would probably notice my new nick.."My new mantra is whatever"
Well it is. And it kinda works. I hardly get angry anymore. I try to see the better of situations or comments..something I never did before.. or more like I didnt get the chance to, cus Miss I'M SO GOING TO PUNCH YOUR FACE IN takes over. Not that I want her to leave..Just that I think she should just take a break for a while. You know? Like go sight seeing or take yoga classes or something..you catch my drift.

My boyfriend says he likes the new me. So cheerful, so calm, so happy. Happy...Who really is happy? Happy is for kids. I don't remember happy. I lost that long ago when I had to grow up. And why did I have to? Because everyone told me to. And what right do they have to tell me how to live my life? Oh yeah I forgot. I was the kid and they, the adults. They're jealous you know, these adults. Jealous of what they don't have anymore. So they start making up these f**king rules. "This! Missy! Is how you should act when you're an adult!" Act. Yup. Act. We're all actors. Every stinking one of us. We wear shrouds over our faces to cover up what's dead. And with every bloody passing day the shroud gets thicker and thicker, clouding our vision, our senses til we don't even know where to go or what to do or what's in front of us and then my dear pathetic readers, we begin the rite of passage like everyone before us and before them. We follow the lead.

We follow the lead and lose ourselves in the process. No shape, no history, no belonging. We follow rituals, beliefs, habits, the works, everything passed on like a joint from one junkie to another. One massive black hole sucking everything in. All of us blindly marching down the same road to our end. And those we leave behind follow our example.

Religion has nothing to do with this. The only mistake it ever made was trying to define wrong and right. Who is the punisher? The one who think he's done nothing wrong? Or the one who who tries to make things right? We'll never know will we? Because each one thinks they have the right to do what is right. So begins the cycle. The pattern in which we rule and justify our actions. Everything leading to nothing.

Like the voices in my head. Talking, reasoning, telling me what to do. They go on for hours, in the dark, crashing against my skull. Until I finally fall asleep. But there's always tomorrow. Like I said, my dear pathetic readers..

Everything leading to nothing, like the voices in my head.

So She Says

2006-08-17T00:16:00.000+08:00

Something I started writing as of late. It's unfinished. Maybe I'll complete it, maybe I won't.
So my dear pathetic readers..before i give up on the idea completely, have a read.

Sitting here gives me a calm I cannot begin to explain.
It’s like putting seashells to your ear, listening to rushing sounds within. Pretending it’s the ocean you hear. And all around is chaos, except for that gentle pressure of the cold seashell on your ear.
A world, unlike the one you live in, trapped in a seashell.

I was always a believer of signs, horoscopes, stars, you name it, I know it. I blamed the clash of our personalities on astrology. Me, the goat. She, the ram. My mother. How else should I explain it? The very words. My mother. Says so much.

A movie I once saw said that women are all the same. Mothers, daughters, nieces, aunts are like stairs, going up, going down but always going the same way. The younger me used to think “I’ll never want to be like her when I grow up.” But the cycle has already begun.

I trace the lines on my palm left by the patterns of the uneven concrete. The redness slowly spreading, disappearing and I’m left with nothing but the smooth rubbery whiteness. I watch people jostling about under my feet. Animated. Almost too rehearsed. Reacting to me above. Me. Finally I’m in control.

Calamari anyone?

2006-08-10T00:25:00.000+08:00

I know I know
I've posted this before but I bloody feel like doing what I bloody like so everyone SHUT UP PLEASE! Thank you.
Nothing describes how I'm feeling right now better than Alex Garland.
So here here.

" My last attempt was to dive back into the pool. Underwater always had the quantities of a refuge for me. Calming, blinding, deafening.

A perfect escape.

It worked too. Envolping me in anonymous coolness, but in an unavoidably temporary way. Without gills, I had to keep surfacing, and as soon as I surface,

My mind resumes it's circular debates."

Taken from The Beach by Alex Garland

Slander, My Pink Salamander

2006-08-03T00:22:00.000+08:00

Ever heard of this story?

I think it's about a famous religion icon who was hiding in a cave from people who wanted to kill him for speaking the truth about God. (Don't quote me on that I might be wrong) And this spider offered to help by spinning a web at the entrance of the cave so that when these men came by they would see the unbroken web and then come to a conclusion that no one has entered the cave on the account of the un-damaged web. However when the men passed by, a lizard inside the cave cried out and betrayed this famous religious icon. And it's apparently known that lizards only make that funny sound when people are around. So the men knew that someone was inside the cave, thus they found him and persecuted him.

It is also believed (by a certain religion) that the more lizards you kill, the more points you get in heaven. Well I say bring it on! We're going to have a wild party my friends

PICS

2006-06-27T17:10:00.000+08:00

So I finally discovered how to upload pics after so long.. I'm still getting use to my mac ya so shut the f**k up

"Man of Letters" wardrobe team

Bollywood Dreams

2006-06-27T00:10:00.000+08:00

I want a normal relationship.

You know?

Boy meets girl, they go for movie, they go do things together, they never worry about money, so even if they've got none they'll improvise...maybe watch dvds or reruns on tv or just bloody hang out at the beach with a good book and each other or at the park or some bloody place where they can have fun. And boy loves girl and can't stop showering her with affection and girl loves it and never feels the need to ask for more or have to start "can we talk" sessions and get the "well I'm just not an affectionate person outside the bedroom". And conversations topics are never about money or the lack of it. And going out means taking public transport, chatting all the way there and enjoying the view in each others arms and never have to worry about traffic or "oh no I didn't get parking coupons" or "I don't like town becus the parking is expensive" or "Fuck! I've got a ticket again for parking illegally" and then sulking away the entire evening. And after arguements boy never says "well, i'm older than you so i know you won't understand."

Why do I have to always pick the wrong man? I mean what happened to the 'Sweep you off your feet" kinda guy? Men these days don't even open doors for you anymore and why? "You independent what.." What happened to gentlemen who woo you, sends you flowers, surprises you occasionally, brushes your hair out of your eyes, holds you close whenever he can and he's not afraid to show his soft side, WRITE LETTERS OR AT LEAST FUCKING REPLY, tells you he loves you without you having to say it first, holds your chin and looks into your eyes before kissing you.

What happened to the bloody music...

2006-06-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

It's PINOY SEASON!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO

The Short Little Pinoy

2006-05-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

So Man of Letters has come and gone
Can't say I didn't enjoy it. Sometimes I catch myself singing (off tune and making up lyrics) to the tunes I heard countless times while quick changing actors at the sidelines. Never thought I would say this but, I'm actually getting quite into this "musical theatre" shit. Many times I wish I were the one panicking everytime I had to change and many times again I wish I were the one on stage dancing and crooning my heart out. God! The applause...I miss it. Who said theatre was only about educating the people...BRING ON THE BLOODY ENTERTAINMENT IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY!
Just a little background info for my dear pathetic readers...there were 13 ensemble males and 3 male leads. 11 of the male ensemble would proudly walk down club street any given day carrying rainbow coloured flags, and so would 2 of the male leads.
And my oh my...never in my life have I ever given a gay guy a second look, especially if my gaydar starts going off. But this one..this one short little pinoy fella rocked my world for the last 3 weeks. WOO HOO.. Then again...he only rocked my world when he was acting straight..which...sadly...only happens on stage...Oh Shut up..Let me have my moment.

Suicidally Yours

2006-04-27T14:15:00.000+08:00

Sometimes
No.
All the time.
I contemplate suicide.
Yes. Me.
I wonder if
flying out my window
would be a better alternative
than praying for a miracle.

And many times I think
Maybe there isn't a god
Then there's nothing to fear
at all

The thud
at the end of the fall
would only
exist
as a mark of me
The end of me

But some poor
wrong place wrong time passerby
wouldn't see it as anything
more than a big mess

Tell Me His Name Without Looking At His File

2006-04-27T14:11:00.000+08:00

Here's something I wrote for my father...

Cancer. Noun. A malignant tumor, a disease featuring this. Cancer, the forth sign of the Zodiac. Cancer, a figure of speech that means corruption.

He died 7 years back. Date and time of death, 31st July 1999, Saturday 6.05pm. Treatment length, 5 years 5 months. “What’s his name again, oh yes, patient 068642H That’s right, diagnosed with Cancer of the Para nasal sinus and nasal cavity, 3rd stage. Or in your, I mean, laymen’s terms, nose cancer with minimum prognosis… recovery rate.” Who was he? What was his name? Tell me without looking at his file. You have been so well trained to look at the patient number. Do you ever glance at the name? Have you, Mr Oncology Specialist, ever asked about him, his life, his family, his fucking occupation, any children? “How do you feel today?” Without nodding your head being this know it all. Do you know what he goes through? Maybe you don’t because cancer is what you’ve only seen in pictures in medical books, in the open bodies that lay on the table, in the faces of patients, people, who walk in and out of your office, hoping for some good news. Tell me his name without looking at his file. He was more than just a piece of paper, or a number on a plastic wristband on his right hand, or a brown toe tag tagged to his toe. He was my father and he died. He died the day he walked into the oncology clinic, his number was up even before he was buzzed in. He ceased to exist the minute he was called by his patient number. And with each passing day this number grew smaller as it wasted away from treatments “Mr..er..068642H, I don’t think radiotherapy is working for you, as you can see, the cancerous growth has increased in size, we recommend Chemotherapy as the next alternative. Yes, yes, we know that you’ve almost lost your hearing and your sense of smell and can no longer eat because radiation has burnt all your good cells, but you see, with Chemo you only loose your hair.” Surgeries, x-rays, stuck in MRIs machines with radio voices that tell it to keep its eyes shut and keep calm if it does open its eyes. Tell me Mr Radio Voice, How do you stay calm in a coffin? Checkups, medication “take this to combat the cancer and this to combat the effect of this, which will result in kidney failure, and this which will combat the result in kidney failure but will also increase the blood sugar level which will be lethal because your damaged kidney, from the result of that, will no longer function as it did before and last but not least, this one for headaches which is one small side effect of cancer, have a good day", counseling “how to heal if you don’t heal?” Emergency rooms with fucking stone cold doctors and their stone cold stethoscopes who insist on knowing medical history before treating it and just sit there coughing out medical jargon and get irritated when 068642H can’t hear what they’ve said because all the radio signals from the medical equipment is interfering his hearing aid. Tubes shoved up its nose, tubes attached to its belly, tubes up its goddamn penis for the urine bag, beds with call buttons to call rude tight ass nurses with name tags that say “Care givers with a smile”, sheets soiled with vomit even if 068642H had nothing to eat because it can’t eat anymore and it ends up hacking bile and blood, bedpans, obligated visitors with well wishes who know what they’ll be wearing at the funeral, rotting next door neighbors, sleeping with lights on, my weak mother who begged it to hang on, and me, who sat in the corner taking it all in. Forgetting what the number represented. I forgot about my father because I only saw what you made me see. The cancer.

Tell me his name without looking at the file because I too, can’t remember. I can’t remember because my mind went blank when my father told me he was diagnosed with cancer. My memory of him died when I only saw what you made me see! You were preoccupied with the disease. You were preoccupied with keeping his body alive even if it meant that we were left with was the shell of a person. Tell me his name without looking at his file! Because all I see is a piece of paper, a number on a plastic wristband on his right hand, a brown toe tag tagged to his toe. He was my father and he died the day I failed to see nothing more than a number. And I need to remember. I need to remember because people ask me things, they ask me about my father and I go numb. Because there is nothing left to remember. How do you tell someone that you’ve forgotten what your father looks like, when all that was left was a living breathing corpse? Or the sound of his voice? Tell me how do you remember the sound of his voice when cancer had eaten away his tongue? Tell me his name without looking at his file because I too can’t remember.

Flesh Parade

2006-04-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

I don't get it.
Why do girls who claim they want to do some good in the world join beauty pagents?
If you want to do good, just do it.
You don't have to strut in a swimsuit to promote women's rights.
Or win the crown to work with starving kids.
Better still, pretty smiles and make-up won't make abused prostitutes feel any better about themselves.

Go figure

Upside Down Plants

2006-02-23T01:33:00.000+08:00

Right, so valentine's day is dead and gone and
what's left but dead roses turned upside down to keep the forgetful from forgetting.

I think valentine's day is a load of crap. Yeah so I receive roses from my boyfriend but you see the question is.. Is he doing this because he loves me or because he wants to prove to me that he can be romantic (And i won't even being to write about this subject) or that this bunch of mismatched coloured roses will redeem him for the rest of the year if he forgets anything special..and i'm not saying that Vdae is special. Like for example; should he be too busy and forget birthdays or christmas..he can easily pull out this excuse saying "but I got you something for valentine's day and you know how i hate carrying flowers in public..." And we or maybe I should just get to the point, I, feeling obligated to accept this gift hang it up so that should he come over he can see that I did (notes the past tense) appreciate the weeds. And yes, being this loving girlfriend that I am, am willing to put my health at risk by breathing in harmful bateria from decomposing plants tastelessly wrapped in PINK paper and with a PINK bow. I think cupid should stick his bow up his ***

What I've been watching

2006-02-21T00:46:00.000+08:00

So the stuff I've seen that's left the most impression on me.

1. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
2. Closer
3. (Shoot me but I can't help but love this one) 50 First Dates
4. Dark Crystal
5. Vanilla Sky

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

2006-02-21T00:32:00.000+08:00

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.

Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.

What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.

Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"

From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em mos

DILLIGAF

2005-12-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

Do I Look Like I Give A...

I'm sure u can figure that one out.
So bring it on I say.
New year
Whatever

Happy Birthday Amin!!!

2005-11-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

Hey Amin

Hope you read this. It goes out to you. I forgot to wish u I think..or maybe i did. Not sure. The only thing i remember was that i set my reminder alarm to go off on my phone. I set it a day earlier...sigh... think if my head wasn't attached to my body i would have probably left it somewhere long ago.. Anyway Happy 22nd birthday to ya!

Action Against Child Sexual Exploitation

2005-09-30T11:55:00.000+08:00

Dear Friends,

I have just read and signed the online petition:

"Action by Singaporeans and Singapore Residents to help stop the commercial
sexual exploitation of children overseas"

hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, the free online petition
service, at:

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/ChildSex/

I personally agree with what this petition says, and I think you might
agree, too. If you can spare a moment, please take a look, and consider
signing yourself.

Best wishes,

Joanne Ng

Friday Night Dengue Fever

2005-09-16T18:20:00.000+08:00

So it's a friday, late afternoon. Too warm for my liking.
I've been home the entire day, and the day before and the day before yesterday.
Nursing what seems to be a normal fever masquerading as Dengue (According to the first gp I went to)
Now there's a tiny punctured wound on my wrist (where my second opinion decided to draw blood)
I'm minding my own business, more interested in getting an mc for today to cover school and this second opinion starts yelling at me.

"Why can't you patients come earlier. Why do you wait til the last minute when your fever's high. You could have been dead by now if it weren't for me."

Funny...i managed to drag myself out of bed, put on some clothes, washed my face, brushed my teeth and headed downstairs where...I went to browse over dvds at a video store..from which i picked out "alot like love" and treated myself to a pack of m&ns and got my daily dose of cigs and finally headed to my "Second Opinion"

Oh Yes I would be dead by now if it weren't for you.

The Simple Life

2005-06-15T23:49:00.000+08:00

11 hours and 45 mins to go
I'll have to say goodbye to being single

Not that I was technically. But it felt that way. And a whole lot more.
And I'll be damned but hell.. I enjoyed it.
2 months of unconditional time to myself
I got to know myself a whole lot better
And it's amazing
I like who I am..when I'm single that is..
I'll be lying if I said I wouldn't be any different when he comes back.

And since I'm in this "list of things mood"...here goes

List of stuff I did when dre was away
1. Met up with great friends almost every week
2. Read 2 great books.. bought another 5
3. Had fraps at liat towers starbucks with a good read
4. Went clubbing twice and got chatted up once with cute YOUNG guy and i didn't even have to act sexy or dress sexy. He just started the conversation :)
5. Reorganized room and currently painting the house
6. Reconnected entire entertainment system ...no need for men..only with help from instruction manual
7. Watched more than 5 movies..rented old ones and had a blast
8. Got jobs and got to know workmates better
9. Got to know two great people better and think of them as friends
10. Travelled by public transport with occasional cabby treats and loved each and every journey

I like being me again. The real me. The one everyone said they miss.
Well..she's back and I don't think she's going to go away so soon.

Spread your wings and fly

Mad about VANILLA

2005-06-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

What I'm listening to rite now:

1. Blowers daughters - Damien Rice
2. I bruise easily - Natasha Bedingfield
3. Don't funk with my heart - Black eyed peas (Shoot me. I run straight for the dance floor everytime it's played)

What I'm watching rite now:

Vanilla Sky

50 First Dates

A day with nobody

2005-06-11T00:25:00.000+08:00

So..

Routine is what we get into everyday

We

Map out our journeys,
Count the stops til our station
Light the first ciggie of the day and
flick it into the same bin on the way to work.
engage in some rotten activity to past the time
to earn the cash that pays
for designer fraps
which we sip thru green straws
as we bake in the heat
one hand a melting drink
the other balancing some "must read"
cover facing crowd
5 seconds to look up
10 seconds check lifeless mobile
15 seconds wiping sweat from face
Reading similiar line over and over
never taking it in

Bored?

2005-06-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

Too much time to kill? Catch these on dvd.

Closer

A witty, romantic, and very dangerous love story about chance meetings, instant attractions, and casual betrayals. CLOSER is director Mike Nichols' critically acclaimed look at four strangers - Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen - with one thing in common: each other.
Adapted by Patrick Marber from his award winning stage play "Closer"

The Goonies

1985! Who would ever forget the famous GOONIES. I hardly managed to get away from hmv after paying for this prized dvd. The cashier couldn't stop raving about the movie. Your usual treasure hunt movie theme but way cooler. Hey You Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Staring Sean Austin, Jeff Cohen, Corey Feldman, Jonathan Ke, John Matuszak
Directed by Richard Donner, Story by Steven Spielberg, Screenply by Chris Columbus

It's a beautiful life

2005-05-03T23:24:00.000+08:00

Stage door
This way please

The audition was gruelling, it lasted 40mins.
Had to do my first monologue 3 times over and in 3 different ways.
Second monlogue was done twice.
Stumbled thru sight reading
Gave my all in Q & A

Some probably thought i wouldn't go thru with it.
Many thought I was crazy to even bother
Few gave me encouragement
One saw me thru the whole thing

And I say Fuck
Let me have my moment

Thanks to all who believed

Double thanks to those who didn't
You were the ones I thought of during my audition

And i made it.
You made it happen.

It's gonna be a great year ahead

A Series of Foul Decadence

2005-03-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

So here's my take on poetry. If you've bothered to read the rest of the shit I come out with, you would probably follow my train of thoughts and the trend I'm in right now. This is just a series of foul decadence that I'm still trying to piece together into one sole poem. But the "in-betweens" aren't falling together like i wanted them to be. Anyway, enjoy these before I get sick of them and decided to abandon this task altogether.

She's my shag bag, a lousy hag
A problemetic whore
She's riddled with disease
Her vagina's got sores
I can flip her, reverse her
She never really minds
As long as I pay
I don't have to be kind

I'm an easy fuck, a sitting duck
But I cannot tell a lie
It earns my rent and I pay on time
I paint my face to cover up my shame
But the men can't tell
Cus they're all the same

I'm a married man, unhappy man
My wife doesn't satisfy
She lies still like a log
And she farts like a hog
The only way to shut her is to fill her mouth with cum
The other way to kill her is shoot in her bum

Dogs and Whores

2005-03-22T00:36:00.000+08:00

Labels of society
Printed on foreheads
Treads of shame
Weaved with skin tight dresses
Lace of disappointment
Decorate push up bras
Clicking heals
Walking the streets of money
Painted faces of dignified shame

Devoted mother
Loving wife
Angst daughter
Comforting friend

They say when a woman is none
She is a whore
That’s what they say

And who are they
Who speak of women is such a manner
Only the men who stand at their doors
With limp dicks stained with disease
Desperate for a moment of paid pleasure
With backs to their wives
Turning only when rejected

Heads down
Dogs
Genitals between their legs
Dogs
They go home to wives succumbed to duty
Dogs
They hump, spreading maladies of love
Dogs

Loving father
Rebellious son
Gentle husband
Drinking friend

So what do they say when a man is none

Things to do this week

2005-03-21T23:17:00.000+08:00

So here's a list of things one can do this week. Well...maybe not a list but at least two pretty cool things one can check out.

JAMIE MICHAELS GIG
Fez Bar, Boat Quay
57B
9.30pm
24th March 2005 Thursday
(I'm not sure what the cover charge is though, sorry folks)

POETRY SLAM - World Poetry Day
Velvet Underground
7.30pm
29th March 2005 Tuesday
Cover charge $10

So if you do give in to curiousity, come say hi to me cus I'll be there. Cheers people.

Don't just stand there

2005-03-04T00:12:00.000+08:00

I can't make myself walk away
from all that has existed between us for so long
I only wish that you could hear how my heart cries
and calm all the voices in my head

See with my eyes
then maybe you would know how pretentious you appear
You build a wall between us
And you won't tell me the reason

Hold my hand and feel how warm it is against your cold skin
I'm alive and how I wish you were too
Look at me, I'm right here
Or are you afraid you'll be forced to be yourself

Don't just stand there
Hold me like you mean it
Kiss me like you never felt my lips before
Bury you face in my hair
Tell me you love me
Don't just stand there

Speak to me like I were a real person, someone you respect
Instead of running to your fucked up friends
with their farce idealogies of life
Laugh with sincerity, not at me cus I'm not the fool here
Admit you can be wrong sometimes.
Apologize

Don't just stand there

My Happy Ending

2005-03-03T23:29:00.001+08:00

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things
I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be,
but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
So much for my happy ending

Someday

2005-03-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able,
to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables
I wish you'd unclench your fists,
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehowI'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when(You're the only one who knows that)

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able,
to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when

Someday - Nickleback (The Long Road)

Timely Death

2005-02-26T00:00:00.000+08:00

I know it's a sin,
But sometimes all i want to do is to step off the ledge.

Everytime

2005-02-14T01:53:00.001+08:00

I'm in need of a pair of wings. Shoot me I love this song.

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly,
I fall Without my wings,
I feel so small I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly,
I fall Without my wings,
I feel so small I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

I see through you

2005-02-03T15:21:00.000+08:00

"Forever Gone, Forever You" - Evanescene

I wanted you to be with me
For so long I don't even know why now
But now that I've given up on you
Defiantly you see me

Walking away I see the pain
You put me through
Lost in your game to change the same
Forever gone, forever you

There's something very wrong about this
I think you knew all along somehow
You'll only take me to change my mind
And leave me broken and defeated

So far away I see the truth
I see through you
Now that I know the way you play
I don't want to

Walking away I see the pain
You put me through
Lost in your game to change the same
Forever gone, forever you

Sore eyes and tight throats

2005-01-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

Today, I celebrated my birthday.
I went to work and then went to rehearsal. The cast of Romusha sang me a birthday song. And then I went home.
To all the people who sent me well wishes, a heart felt thanks goes out to you. You made my day.
The only thing that disappointed me was that my boyfriend didn't get me a present, not a card, not even a tiny slice of cake with a candle. Nothing...zip.
He did nothing to make this day special for me.
That hurt.
It hurt not because of the disappointment but also becus he gave the same lame excuse for christmas.
For christmas, he could afford to get his god daughter an expensive christmas present and could also buy another present for her birthday(which was the next day). He could afford to buy a present for his god son and another god son who, my dear readers, is a baby who can't even appreciate what he bought. But for me...he said...when I have the money.
Now for my birthday, the excuse gets even better...he didn't have the time even though he had the money.
I feel so special today. So very special.
Wish my dad were here to punch his face in.
Cheers

Birthday grrrl

2005-01-11T15:20:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow I turn 25.
I've lived a 1/4 of a century.
Cool

Right back where I started

2005-01-11T15:03:00.000+08:00

So I've deleted Tone Deaf as I've got no time to update that blog no more. This is where my aliance will lie from now on. One blog for everything. To bitch and so on so forth. Cheers people

It's all good

2005-01-03T13:13:00.000+08:00

I wish I could say that things are going just the way i want them to.
No.
Instead, "life" takes it's own path and shows me what it wants me to see.
It's not all that bad actually.
Just a little..
Different from what I expected.
I ask myself when was the last time i was really happy
You know...
Truely happy.
I can tell you now.
31st december 2004
I was among friends.
There were new additions though. But all's good.
"life"..my life is changing slowly. I think I'm more focused now than I was before. I've given up a few dreams and picked up new ones on the way. New ones that have been long hiddened in my heart and i never thought i could have pursued them before. Now I want to. Now I'm ready to.
It's not going to be easy. I can't depend on my mother's bank account now. She won't let me. So for once, I have to do this on my own. And to tell you the truth...it's not that scary.
It's not that I've become fearless.
It's more like I've taken a step back to breathe.
That breath,
Makes up for all my past mistakes
Usher in the new year if you please,
cus I'm ready to see the end
:)

A Better Day Ahead

2005-01-02T01:22:00.000+08:00

The year has ended
Another one just begun.
I look back and for the first time
I can say
Good job Joanne
Happy New Year people

25. The fat girl's new 30

2004-12-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

I think back on the year. Or more like the 6 months out of college.
And I see this girl. This girl fighting her way thru the working world and the working people. Heck. Breathing already seems like a constant struggle.
I can't say that I'm very happy how the year is going to end.
I'm still a heavy smoker.
I worry that with each ciggie the cancer in me will manifest and grow, yet i can't stop myself from taking another puff.
I binge with hardly any guilt.
Knowing that fat and cellulite have become great friends of my thighs.
I still wish that I could be beautiful and sexy like all other girls.
Yet i can't be bothered to trim my eyebrows.
And my boyfriend.
He's great. Yet I don't know if being with him is really all that great.
I never ever get to win any fights. And he's so smart that everything seems like my fault.
Maybe it is. But it's funny how the problems just seems to be about me.
I miss being young and free and just dating really cool guys. Going to the movies or hanging out at the park or go clubbing or just bloody hanging out like punks.
Now i'm this oldie that goes for kopis and growl at young couples with jealous desire.
Where did Joanne go?
Why does it always seems that all the men I date, evenually break my spirit.
What happened to spunky me? Have I become so old that I can't even recognise myself?
I don't remember having fun for quite sometime.
I'm this 25 year old, overweight and looks like a mother of 3. Constantly dirty, without a trace of make-up on. Dirty finger nails, smelly hair and sticky sweaty skin. Can't buy new clothes cus I dun fit into them anymore and I can't afford them cus I have to buy ciggies everyday.
25. The fat girl's new 30.

Changes

2004-11-02T15:11:00.000+08:00

You know how sometimes you watch a movie
and you get all sucked up into their reality.
And when it ends,
you switch off the player and you're back.
Back where you started.
On the sofa.
With a cigarette in your hand.
A half finished cup of coffee on the table
And the fan.
The fan just blowing away into nothiness.

Days like these come requently for me.
I'm not like other people.
Always busy.
Always rushing around with the world on their sleeves.
I live by day to day.
Knowing how much i have in my bank.
Knowing that there's limited money to spend.

And then I wonder,
What happened to me?
What happened to this girl.

I had dreams.
Now.
The dreams become regrets.

When i was younger. Or more like younger, I used to dream about how i would be someone everyone remembered.
I would be this someone everyone would call if there was a party. Some kind of gathering.
People would know me
They'll think I'm the most interesting person they would want to be with.

And then I'll dream somemore.
I would become famous.
Beautiful and famous.
My face would be featured in magazines.
People would talk about me. My talent. My beauty.

I chased this dream for sometime.
And i lived for the future.

Today.
I'm tired.
Too tired to finish what I started.
Becus
In the middle of chasing these dreams
I forgot why I was chasing them.
I can't remember which dream is what i wanted
And which dream was just a dream

Tone_Deaf to Change

2004-11-01T01:34:00.000+08:00

Tone_deaf should be shot dead. I'm tired of updating so many blogs. Espeacially one that needs constant care. Maybe i'll leave it on for a while. Or maybe I'll change it a little.

We'll see

Plus size Hoora!

2004-10-20T23:38:00.000+08:00

Yeah.
I'm a size 14 and I'm bloody proud of it.
And I've got killer boobs that don't need padded bras.
Hoora!
It's a bloody celebration of the body.
You'll never catch me saying this again!
Bloody love yourself!
Fuck what other people say or do to make you feel small.
They do that to make themselves feel better.
So what does that say about them?
Not much.
So if you've been keeping quiet, been sulking to yourself,
been crying silently in dressing rooms.
Ladies.
It's time.
You don't need to follow the calendar to know when it's women's day.
Every bloody day is!
BLOODY LOVE YOURSELF LADIES!
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
AND YOU'LL STAY THAT WAY!

I'm in a bloody good mood.

Dragon Slaying Season

2004-10-19T14:42:00.000+08:00

You're like a dragon. Dragons where the terrible
creatures that lived in large caves and often
swooped down out of the sky and stole sheep,
cows, and even people from the countryside to
eat. They were gigantic with spikes along the
back and tail. Some had wings, legs, and the
ability to breathe fire. Even in the Bible, the
Levithian resembled something like a dragon so
they may have actually existed. Dragons were
loyal protectors that were more powerful that
any other animal that ever lived. Some where
peaceful and others just wanted to destroy. The
pest control for dragons were Knights who were
appointed the task of killing a dragon. Some
stories tell us that eating the dragon heart
let you claim victory in any battle or eating
the tongue would allow you to win any debate.
(If you cannot see the picture, go to my
userpage and look near the bottom. There should
be the picture and description for all the
results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

To be a woman

2004-10-18T01:58:00.000+08:00

Responsibility
Living the life of someone else

Another person's dreams
Their own opinion
A different way of life

Guilt
A whole new prespective

Drives you beyond the walls you create
Breaks your spirit, engulfs your mind
Leaves you broken
Desparate
In search of refuge

Emptiness
my new found love

Confessions of a Potential Serial Killer

2004-10-18T01:20:00.000+08:00

There are days i wish i never got out of bed..
Wished that I could just go back
To yesterday or whatever was before
and undo the mess i've made.

Then again,
Maybe the mess was worth it.
It probably wouldn't matter anymore.
It won't hurt any less.

But what would be,
the best explaination for my preoccupation with hate.

Yesterday was a lie.
Today is a farce.
Tomorrow ceases to exist.

Drowning

2004-10-17T01:38:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to think of what to say presently.
My mind's a blank and my heart's too heavy.
So much's going on in my head.
Too many voices.

So.
I'm leaving you, my pathetic readers,
with something I read in the past.
Something which describes my exact thoughts and words.
If I could write how I felt right now.
This would be it.
It would be
Perfect.

The beach - Alex Garland

" My last attempt was to dive back into the pool. Underwater always had the quantities of a refuge for me. Calming, blinding, deafening.

A perfect escape.

It worked too. Envolping me in anonymous coolness, but in an unavoidably temporary way. Without gills, I had to keep surfacing, and as soon as I surface,

My mind resumes it's circular debates."

My New Romp

2004-10-15T13:45:00.000+08:00

So pathetic readers

Here I am again. New blog. New romp. Devoted solely to the musicial slave. So read it. Look at it. Fucking worship it.

It's in my links. So be it. So have it. So go to it. Whatever.

En_Route is dead

2004-10-13T09:51:00.000+08:00

So readers,

I've deleted En-Route. And I'll be deleting Lobotomy on the rocks real soon. There will be another blog devoted purely to music. Till then..

Suicidally Yours

2004-10-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

There's this dead calm washing over me.

A numbness in my limps

All I want now is to see the drop

A picture of my death.

Volaticus, it means winged.

Effugium, to fly.

Libertas, my freedom

I've turned evil

2004-10-11T13:04:00.001+08:00

There are times I wished that I owned a gun.

Am I being irrational?
Maybe not being able to smoke could have contributed to the short fuse in my head.

I see these fucking ugly people.
Bloody bunch of fucking idiots.
EACH AND EVERYONE OF THEM
THEY"RE HAVING FUN
THEY"RE GOING ON IN LIFE
THEY"RE SMILING
THEY"RE TOGETHER
THEY"RE ALIVE

It offends me that they breathe my air.
One day,
I'll buy a gun
AND THEY"RE THE FIRST ON MY HIT LIST.
And of course..
The first two people would be
The backstabbing bitch and bastard couple.

Followed by TUB OF HALAL LARD's faithful followers.

ooooooooh I wonder how, I wonder why.....I wonder wonder why the world goes by.
And everyday I blow
And everyday I blow
And everyday I blow some heads away......................

Ruby eyes

2004-09-25T13:46:00.000+08:00

So.

Here I am.
I've seen the beginings of a ruby.

Death to Han Yu Pi Ying

2004-09-23T01:14:00.000+08:00

Ni shi hua ren?

Bu shi.

Na wei se me ni shi xin huang ne?

Wo fu mu ching chi bao mei shi zhou.

Na ni shi hua ren ma?

Bu shi.
Wo shi ge ma lai ren.
Bu bu.
Wo shi ge hen xi huan chi zhu rou de ma lai ren.

Na wei se me ni you hua ren de ming zhi?

Na shi ying wei wo de fu mu ching ba wo mai le.

FANG PI!

Now really tsk tsk tsk.
Listen you yellow mother fuckers out there.
Enlighten me.
To the best of your knowledge. What are the different races in Singapore?
Oh wait. Let me guess please! I'm in a desperate need to orgasm.

FAIR - Definately your chinese partner in crime
BLACK - Obviously an APUNANA
COLOURED or JUST FUCKING TAN OR JUST NOT LIKE YOU - Must be MALAI.

Dun pathronise me when I tell you I'm mixed by telling me I got lovely eyes. Hell ya I got lovely eyes. Mine actually close. Not like those slits you call eye lids. Geeze.

Death to han yu pin ying

Steel Magnolias

2004-09-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

Some guy checked me out today.

Me in the cab.
With my mum.
Minding my own business.
She yapping away.
Me scratching my nose.
Feeling the early beginings of a pimple surfacing.

And then it happened.

Beyond the finger print covered taxi window.
I saw him.
In his shinny black sports car.
This eurasian guy.
This CUTE eurasian guy.
THIS YOUNG (CLOSE TO MY AGE!) CUTE EURASIAN GUY!
Was looking directly at me.
He smiled.

Never in a million years
Would I ever expect
Someone to even notice me ever again.

My hair all bun up.
My face all oily.

He smile.

And what did I do?
Continued scratching my nose.

Talk about super UN-GLAM
God help me.

A perfect ending

2004-09-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

I wish I were somewhere else.
Or maybe someone else.
I've always stood by my own words of advice.
Stay thru to yourself.
But lately.
I really don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm almost 25. I'm still fat.
Unattractive.
I don't accessorize.
I hardly wear make-up.
Can't seem to find the right hair style.
Can't afford to buy nice clothes.
Even if I could, I couldn't fit into them.
I'm sick and tired of looking at girls who seem to have it all.
I wanna be like them.
I want to flaunt myself too.
My belly hangs out like I've just given birth.
My thighs are as big as tree trunks.
My under arm wings wave back to me when I wave goodbye.
I can't get myself to do something about it.
I want the easy way out.
I want to sit here and cry and pull my hair out and die.
Iwant to eat and eat and eat and die.
I want to torture myself from self pity.
I want to tear all my clothes to shreads.
Iwant to cut off my flesh and feed it to wild dogs.
I just want to die.
I just want to be a girl.

A life less ordinary

2004-09-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

Today. I choose pink.
Not becus I'm a sissy girl or anything.
I chose pink becus it just made me feel happy.

Who am I?
I'm 24 and a half. Going on 25 really soon.
My passion in life? To kill the people who piss me off every single day.
And that, sadly, includes my mother.
Then again.
All serial killers started with someone who had direct contact with them first.
The one who gives life to them usually fall into that category.
Now these people usually carry the imense guilt for causing serious emotional and physcological damage to these pitiful specimens of humanity. And that would be me.

So. That kinda sums up my day job.
My night job is just a cover.
I moonlight with a international coffee company.
I have 3 managers running the joint.
One's a sweetie pie. But she's top on my to-kill list as she stands in the way of my resignation.
You see. I've got principles. I don't bite the hand of the one who feeds me. But then again. I hardly know her. So shoot me. She's just a pin waiting to be toppled.

The other is a cross dressing bitch. And an ugly one at that. When she tries to smile. All the facial muscells get all confused and go bezerk.

The last is a heavy weight campion. She throws her weight around all the time. She acts all cute and shit. Probably its a reflex action when you're that big. You just want to be small and go un-noticed. But this fella's got it all wrong. She acts small. As in mentality the size of her shoe. Maybe if people think she's young. They might actualyl forget she's huge. I think she needs to go thrid. After my mum and my sweetie pie boss. Cus she's throwing her weight around and someone might actually get hurt. The cross dresser I'll save for desert.

My other job.
Is in the arts.
Honestly. I don't even know where this is going to go.
It's scary when you can see the future. Or you don't even daydream about it.
Makes you question.
Why did I choose this in the first place.

So back to basics.
I'm 24. Going on 25. No proper job. I don't get cpf for killing people. Especially people the government don't really give a fuck about.
I forgotten why I love the arts.
Everyday. I write a page. A new one.
Telling people about my stinking life.

Knot in my panties

2004-09-16T14:44:00.000+08:00

Hello pathetic readers

Like to dip your toes in me daily soil?
Plenty to go around.

So.
Skipped work. Going to get an mc in a bit. Have to get off bed first(Huge task that requires large amounts of effort and determination). Pity though. Bed keeps calling out to owner for a bit of warming. One should never leave bed alone. Laziness always needs company. Can't stop puffing ciggies in bed. Astray's full again. But very sure one can find the space and energy to stick another butt in. Can't seem to focus right now. So much bumming to do, so little time. Pity pity pity. One must always do ones best. Back to bed.

Slit here

2004-09-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

Tried posting a black and white photo here for you readers to see.
If you like to know. It's a picture of a man's wrist. With the tatoo "Slit".
I've always been intrigued by such photos. Black and white photos. Especially this one.

So quiet.
So still.

Yet it says alot.

Life preserved in just one shot.
Like that very monent before you take your life.
The ringing in your ear.
The silence.
That single reason.
Peace.

Just before you change your mind.

I believe that,
when one dies,
when he least expects.
Life flashes past.
Only when he least expects it.

I believe,
the mind, the brain, our brain.
Works against us.
That moment. When we least expect it.
The regret. That second.
It triggers regret. Triggers a life much better. A life worth living.
A life left behind.
A life we can no longer live.
That moment last a lifetime.
An after death of regret.

But when you act.
On your own accord.
That peace.
The knowing that you have control.
Knowing you can end it.
That peace.
The quiet.
The silence.
Death.
As you wish it to be.
An afterlife that doesn't exist.

Gate 69 Please check in

2004-09-14T21:39:00.000+08:00

So.

It's been a long time.
Too long in fact.

Whats new?

Nuthin much, cept for the fact that I keep making wrong turns, bumping into walls and hurling myself into swirls of politics with generous drizzle of backstabbing. Cool in't it? And it's not even in theatre or fashion. It's the food and beverage industry. With a fuck load of low IQ idiots with low self esteems trying to go by each day in this pathetic excuse for a "Chill Out" joint by ordering workers like myself around, shouting orders and barking (yes...I used the word barking for a specific reason. Please readers, connect eyes to brain and try to associate word with animal and understand the secret word i used to call my two shift managers.) embarassing remarks at dear me just to feed the ego. Lovely... Just lovely...exactly what I needed after having left another bloody company with a half...no...3/4s mad...insane...bloody looney boss with nuthin exciting in her life except asking for updates about whether the paint chip on the wall has been properly (according to fire standards and health regulations) dealt with. Woo hoo.

Otherwise....

What's new in the world.

Gate69. Thank you for checking in. Boarding will start shortly.

Warning. Emotional Overload

2004-07-22T11:03:00.000+08:00

So.

Guess what. I'm taking the job. Not because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't. But more because I need to actually see what it is I'm afraid of. Futhermore, it's time I broke away from this montomy of waiting. Waiting for instructions. Waiting for the dream job. Waiting for me to actually decide what the fuck I want to do with my life. I don't know. Until today I don't really know. And it's ok. I finally admitted to myself that it's totally ok if I don't know where I'm going.

So.

Day one of the sega beings.

Deja Dead

2004-07-20T01:01:00.000+08:00

I can't believe myself.
I think...no I confirm.. I have no self respect. No convidence. Weak.
I can't make any decisions on my own. I fear fear itself and can't wait to perform my favourite 3 step "panic" sequence.
Scream. Run. Hide.
Bleah.
I sent resumes. Hoping like hell someone would take notice. Then comfort myself when there's no calls to think that maybe it's a sign that I should go back to school. And when I do get an offer. I ask the whole world what they think and now...I can't decided. Why? Because I'm too fricking scared. I'm positivly shaken by the idea to let someone, or some company own me.
I can't ask for directions anymore because I already know where I'm going.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotted Mind

2004-07-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

So.

I got me a job.

A shinking one at that.

Oh well, better late than never. Probably starting work on the 1st of next month. All lady environment. What a pity.
People throwing all sorts of advice at me. Bad. Good. Well, mostly bad. Thought I was the only pessimistic one in the family. Guess not. Some even think they have themselves to thank for me finally being employed. The nerve.

As for me. I got other plans. Guess some of the better ones(Where I walk out of everyone's pitiful lives) have to be shelved for later. Other's which do not really benefit me(where I have to be charitable) will probably have to be taken down for some dusting. *Sneezes*

All in all. No matter how bad some may view this opportunity to be. In the end, they all benefit from it. Maybe not directly, but ultimately they will. So why grumble? Why the gloomy faces? Why all the bad aura? Why do you care? WHEN I'M THE ONE FUCKING TAKING THE FUCKING JOB.

Lobotomy anyone?

2004-07-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

Why do we bother trying?
Pointless..

Life.
The very word.

Spoken In Confidence

2004-07-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

So readers.
Whoever you may be. It doesn't matter.
As long as I pretend that you don't exist.

Gloom overwhelms as usual.
Suicide has taken over all rational thoughts.

Lying on my side.
Wishing I had the brains to stop crying,
Then maybe my pillow wouldn't be so uncomfortably wet.

I am a woman. Technically.
More like some kid. Stuck somewhere in the middle.
(Anyone who starts humming to what's thats slut's name speares song and I will kick'em in the genitals)

I smoke.
I loath groupies and all people who shout annoying school cheers and those who actually orgasm while doing so.
I crave depressive music.
I like thinking about suicide and how it will hurt the people close to me.

I hardly have friends.
The only ones who stick around,
Are good people.

I'm often mistaken for being a bitch.
Which actually isn't so bad
Cus I don't have to explain myself